Okay. I have religious tolerance. I do. I have no problem with people having a different set of beliefs than I have. That they have a different set of beliefs has no impact on my life.
Further, it's interesting to learn about the variety of different beliefs held by various people. It's really cool that folks have found so many ways to relate to each other, the world around us, the universe, and for the believer, deity.
All of that said, I also have my own personal set of beliefs and my own philosophy. It's my way of relating. I don't expect the rest of the world to adopt it, because you're all not me. I'm me. There is only one me in the entire world, and there will never be another me. That's probably a good thing.
The problem is that not everyone feels that way. There are folks in my neighborhood who, for whatever reason, feel compelled to "sell" their beliefs to the rest of us, visiting door-to-door. Even after being told, "no thanks, I'm not interested..." they just keep coming back.
I was nice the last several times. I promise, I gave her all of the chances in the world. Last time, I told her that I'd like her to stop visiting my apartment and attempting to convert me. I'm done.
Today, I saw her coming.
I happened to look out the window after a cloud had passed over the sun, temporarily darkening the room. There she was, across the way, bothering my neighbors. I say bothering, because my neighbor looked agitated. Also, he dropped a huge, steaming f-bomb on her for disturbing his sleep in the middle of the day, as he works nights and cannot sleep at that time. This is something I've heard him explain nicely to her before, only to be told that it's a sin to work at night because it keeps you from going to church. That went over kind of badly, as you might imagine, but it's a good thing, I think. I mean, everyone should try to maintain an expanded vocabulary, and hers expanded quite a bit before his wife came outside, ordered him back to bed, and shut the door in her face. I've already heard everything she has to say, and it's not interesting any more. Now, it's just repetitious and annoying. I decided I wasn't going to answer when she came to my door.
I've been kind of busy today. Not extremely busy, mind you... just busy. I didn't really want to talk to the J-walker. Unfortunately, she decided that when there's a vehicle in front of the apartment, there's someone home, and she banged repeatedly on the door like a pro for over a minute. This, I do not tolerate. Even if you KNOW I'm home, if I do not answer the door, you should go away. You know, sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I shower, too, and sometimes I cook things you have to keep actively stirring for several minutes. Then again, sometimes, I just don't want to answer the damned door, and those are the times when it is most advisable to not hang around and keep knocking.
I was nice. I didn't dress her down. Instead, I opted to match ridiculousness in kind.
Steve the dragon answered the door.
Steve the dragon is a 6 foot long bright green plushie with embroidered "googly" eyes and pointy felt teeth. I decided to give him my worst impression of a Yoda voice, which sounds something like Sesame Street's Grover on crack. I watched her through the spy hole in the door as she stared at the six foot dragon. The conversation went something like this:
Steve the Dragon: Greetings, church-y person of doom.
Church Lady: Um... uh... O_Ôž
Steve the Dragon: *tilts head sideways* Why do you look so confused? Is there something on my face? *shakes vigorously*
Church Lady: I uh, wanted to talk to you about... uh, am I on camera? *looks around*
Steve the Dragon: *looks down, then looks back at lady* No, ma'am. You are on cement.
Church Lady: Wha- *looks down* -oh. Well, that is to say, yes, but I mean... *tapers off to silence*
Steve the Dragon: Cat got your tongue?
At this point, I had a bit of good luck. The neighbor's overly friendly escape-artist of a cat decided to join into the conversation. She unwittingly sort of crept up behind the woman, snuggled up to the backs of her ankles, and said
Church Lady: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGH! *sets new record for high jump in heels and a skirt*
Cat: *runs off into the bushes, terrified*
Steve the Dragon: *unable to stifle laughter* Apparently not...
Now, she seems to have accepted the reality of Steve the dragon, because this was when she got all wild-eyed and began lecturing him and shaking her finger.
Church Lady: Oh, you think that's funny? You are so rude! I have better things to do than stand around talking to a stuffed... whatever you are. You can just... you can just... go to hell!
And with that, she turned on her miraculously unbroken heel and flounced off down the stairs just as fast as someone in an a-line skirt and mid-heeled pumps can flounce.
So, there you have it. Steve the Dragon's immortal soul has been verbally damned for all eternity by an angry door-to-door evangelist. Poor guy. Guess I'll have to baptize him. He kind of needs washed, anyway.
I don't think I'll be seeing her again, but in case I do, I'm keeping our Mr. Bill plushie near the door for next time. Every time you squeeze it, it plays a recording of Mr. Bill's voice: "Oh, nooooooooooooooo!"
Further, it's interesting to learn about the variety of different beliefs held by various people. It's really cool that folks have found so many ways to relate to each other, the world around us, the universe, and for the believer, deity.
All of that said, I also have my own personal set of beliefs and my own philosophy. It's my way of relating. I don't expect the rest of the world to adopt it, because you're all not me. I'm me. There is only one me in the entire world, and there will never be another me. That's probably a good thing.
The problem is that not everyone feels that way. There are folks in my neighborhood who, for whatever reason, feel compelled to "sell" their beliefs to the rest of us, visiting door-to-door. Even after being told, "no thanks, I'm not interested..." they just keep coming back.
I was nice the last several times. I promise, I gave her all of the chances in the world. Last time, I told her that I'd like her to stop visiting my apartment and attempting to convert me. I'm done.
Today, I saw her coming.
I happened to look out the window after a cloud had passed over the sun, temporarily darkening the room. There she was, across the way, bothering my neighbors. I say bothering, because my neighbor looked agitated. Also, he dropped a huge, steaming f-bomb on her for disturbing his sleep in the middle of the day, as he works nights and cannot sleep at that time. This is something I've heard him explain nicely to her before, only to be told that it's a sin to work at night because it keeps you from going to church. That went over kind of badly, as you might imagine, but it's a good thing, I think. I mean, everyone should try to maintain an expanded vocabulary, and hers expanded quite a bit before his wife came outside, ordered him back to bed, and shut the door in her face. I've already heard everything she has to say, and it's not interesting any more. Now, it's just repetitious and annoying. I decided I wasn't going to answer when she came to my door.
I've been kind of busy today. Not extremely busy, mind you... just busy. I didn't really want to talk to the J-walker. Unfortunately, she decided that when there's a vehicle in front of the apartment, there's someone home, and she banged repeatedly on the door like a pro for over a minute. This, I do not tolerate. Even if you KNOW I'm home, if I do not answer the door, you should go away. You know, sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I shower, too, and sometimes I cook things you have to keep actively stirring for several minutes. Then again, sometimes, I just don't want to answer the damned door, and those are the times when it is most advisable to not hang around and keep knocking.
I was nice. I didn't dress her down. Instead, I opted to match ridiculousness in kind.
Steve the dragon answered the door.
Steve the dragon is a 6 foot long bright green plushie with embroidered "googly" eyes and pointy felt teeth. I decided to give him my worst impression of a Yoda voice, which sounds something like Sesame Street's Grover on crack. I watched her through the spy hole in the door as she stared at the six foot dragon. The conversation went something like this:
Steve the Dragon: Greetings, church-y person of doom.
Church Lady: Um... uh... O_Ôž
Steve the Dragon: *tilts head sideways* Why do you look so confused? Is there something on my face? *shakes vigorously*
Church Lady: I uh, wanted to talk to you about... uh, am I on camera? *looks around*
Steve the Dragon: *looks down, then looks back at lady* No, ma'am. You are on cement.
Church Lady: Wha- *looks down* -oh. Well, that is to say, yes, but I mean... *tapers off to silence*
Steve the Dragon: Cat got your tongue?
At this point, I had a bit of good luck. The neighbor's overly friendly escape-artist of a cat decided to join into the conversation. She unwittingly sort of crept up behind the woman, snuggled up to the backs of her ankles, and said
Church Lady: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGH! *sets new record for high jump in heels and a skirt*
Cat: *runs off into the bushes, terrified*
Steve the Dragon: *unable to stifle laughter* Apparently not...
Now, she seems to have accepted the reality of Steve the dragon, because this was when she got all wild-eyed and began lecturing him and shaking her finger.
Church Lady: Oh, you think that's funny? You are so rude! I have better things to do than stand around talking to a stuffed... whatever you are. You can just... you can just... go to hell!
And with that, she turned on her miraculously unbroken heel and flounced off down the stairs just as fast as someone in an a-line skirt and mid-heeled pumps can flounce.
So, there you have it. Steve the Dragon's immortal soul has been verbally damned for all eternity by an angry door-to-door evangelist. Poor guy. Guess I'll have to baptize him. He kind of needs washed, anyway.
I don't think I'll be seeing her again, but in case I do, I'm keeping our Mr. Bill plushie near the door for next time. Every time you squeeze it, it plays a recording of Mr. Bill's voice: "Oh, nooooooooooooooo!"
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