Years ago, while working with my family's photography business, I assisted my brother in his booth at a bridal show to help advertise our services to the local public. Before actually attending, I looked up the show online, mostly to get directions to the building, but also to see what the consumer was going to see when visiting the website for the show. There, I found an article about wedding photographers. The author was horribly ill-informed regarding the qualifications of a good photographer. Well, to be honest, the author was horribly ill-informed regarding pretty much everything about wedding photography... but what really grabbed my attention was the list of suggested questions she had posted for prospective clients to ask all of us in their search for the "perfect" photographer. Instead of suggesting brides check out our work examples, our references, and our track record with the Better Business Bureau, they were directed to inquire about our equipment, staff, and connections, as if everyone is involved enough in the world of photography to understand our answers, and as if those answers would give anyone a clue as to whether we'd do a good job of capturing the day's beautiful memories.
The list was stupid. The few relevant questions on it were about information we provided in our flier. The rest were meaningless drivel designed to make the bride feel as though she had accomplished something by interviewing the photographer. Brides would have been better off randomly picking questions from that week's episode of any random quiz show.
As soon as I saw it, I had to make fun of that list. HAD to. It was begging me.
I wrote mock answers to each of the questions, with actions denoted by asterisks (in the tradition of old AOL chatroom and BB "emotes" among my online friends) on either side of them. The result was what appears to be an interview between the Bride Without a Brain and the Mad Photographer.
No, I didn't answer the questions like that at the bridal show (even though I wanted to more than once)... but yes, I did share the list.
I originally published this on my first blog, which basically meant that all of my friends saw it and that was about it. Its second publishing was on Gather.com, where a few internet connections enjoyed the humor and commented. In the spirit of passing on the humor, I thought I'd share it here, as well, with the questions shown in black text, and my replies shown in purple... because I said so!
Questions to ask a Photographer
1. How long have you been in the business photographing weddings?
Weddings?!? I thought this was supposed to be pornography!!
2. Do you belong to any associations or organizations?
I am a long standing member of The Buttscrachers' Society of Ohio, and regular attendee of The Church of What's Happenin' Now.
3. How would you describe your approach and style of photography?
First, I pick up the camera...
4. May I see a portfolio of your work?
NO! It's Mine!! You can't have it!
5. Do you have an example of a complete wedding album I can look at?
I have an album... see the answer to question #1.
6. Who exactly will be photographing my wedding?
Larry Flint
7. How will this person be dressed?
Dressed? You want him dressed?!?
*laughs hysterically*
8. What kind of camera and equipment do you use?
It has buttons on it...
9. Do you bring back up equipment?
It beeps when it backs up.
10. Do you have a back-up photographer in case you get sick? Describe his/her qualifications.
She beeps too.
11. Do you offer different packages?
Hey! Keep your hands off of my package!
12. What is your fee and exactly what does it include?
I'll be claiming your firstborn child, unless you can guess my name.
13. Will you have a contract outlining exactly what products and services I will receive?
My attorney, Mr. Lucifer, will be handling that aspect of the deal.
14. What is your payment policy?
Pay me or die!!!
15. What form of payment do you accept?
I deal strictly in human souls...
16. How many photographs will you take in all? Is there a limit?
All of 'em. As for limit, I prefer to maintain a safe speed at all times. Do you have any speed? I need some!!!
*clings to client*
17. How much are reprints?
I'll be claiming your second born child...
18. Are the proofs included in my package?
All evidence is destroyed to prevent prosecution!
19. Do you offer purchase of the proofs?
What, are you trying to blackmail me?
20. Do you retouch negatives?
*looks around*
I never touched 'em in the first place! You can't prove anything! I wanna talk to my lawyer!
21. Do you offer gift smaller gift albums for relatives?
*finds speed*
*singing* the itsy bitsy album crawled up the water spout...
22. How long will you stay at the ceremony and reception?
Ceremony? I must get my robe...and my pentacle... ooh! and my athame!
*runs off*
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